taking a break

Im not sure that this is the thing I was expecting when I wrote my last entry, but God is speaking and moving..So it’s been a while since I’ve sat at the computer to blog. I went to the Dr. and my ultrasound showed that nothing is happening. My follicles are measuring too small to be mature. God knows what He is doing. So my Dr. said that the next step is shots! I told her this was not something I was ready for. Richard and I talked about this the Tuesday night before my appointment. We said that when it got to the point that the phrase “we don’t know why….” we would take it as a sign for a break… So we did get to that point. This is taking over our life right now, I have a thermometer by the bed with a notebook, and I have things written all over the calendar, and medication all over the counter, and doctor bills on the table and we plan our lives around my ovulation! We decided that it is time for  a break! Thankfully the Dr agreed with me:) so that is where we are on our journey…I am going to continue blogging because Ive found it very therapeutic:) I’ll be posting soon:)

December

I feel like something is going to happen this month! I’m claiming it and believing it!!! My verse for the last couple of weeks has been the second part of Mark 9:24, “Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief”. Believing doesn’t have to mean that if I don’t get pregnant this month that God has failed me. I’m believing Him for more than just giving me that desire of my heart. I’m believing Him for his perfect plan! His will! His fame! He gets all the glory no matter what!

On another note, I’ve been taking estrogen for the last 7 days and will continue to take it until Wednesday when I go in for my day 14 ultrasound. I’ve cried every day! I’ve cried at commercials, at Oprah, and many reasons I don’t even know! My husband at first looked at me with this “oh my…what is she crying about” look, but after explaining to him what was going on, and how the medication is making me a little more emotional than usual..(hard thing i know:)) He just holds me…he doesn’t have to say anything.. just having him be  so wonderful and understanding has meant the world to me! I have been blessed with such a great support system! My cousin calls and checks on me regularly, she is my angel!! I’m just very thankful today!! and wanted to share:)

Here we go again~

With this entry comes the beginning of a new cycle! I feel like I’m climbing back on a familiar ride…The initial first week butterflies are fluttering around in my stomach.  This is the part where there is only potential. Potential for success (pregnancy in this case) or failure (not getting pregnant). Failure is a strong word, but if there is not success…you get the picture. I am starting this next round of Clomid at the beginning of the week, or days 5-9, along with estrogen days 5-15. I don’t know how this is going to affect me, and that makes me nervous. I feel like with every month and every cycle I learn more, about my anatomy, and my spiritual journey. Like I’m being handed pieces to a puzzle or different tools that I have no idea what to do with yet. I take them and set them down and look at them, and sometimes get frustrated that they don’t fit together when they look like they should. Sometimes I cry and ask why this puzzle has to be so hard.  But one thing I am is thankful that this puzzle was given to me! I was trusted to handle this puzzle, and to figure it out! God has faith in me!! He loves me! I don’t always (and here lately a more appropriate word would be never) understand, but I am learning to say, “thank you!” Thank you for trusting me, thank you for having faith in me. I am not faking this appreciation… I got my feelings hurt this week by being misunderstood! And it makes me nervous that I’m blogging this, but I am NOT faking anything! I’m being obedient! The Bible says that in all things to give thanks!! so that is what I’m doing… I guess I just needed to get all of this off of my chest.

The slate is clean this is a new start! BRING IT ON;)

Thanksgiving~

I don’t really have the energy to write down a whole paragraph… so here are just a few thoughts from today.

I LOVE TO EAT!

I’m thankful for my family, and I don’t tell them enough

I have so many blessings that I do not recognize regularly.

God has blessed me and I complain about what He has not given me WAY too much!

My husband is a wonderful man, and I have alot to learn from him.

I was hoping that by this point in the year that we would have a baby on the way or here already

I cherish the time with my sister because I know the day is going to come when she is going to be very far away and that makes me sad.

No matter what I know God has everything under control!

Baby-sitting~

Richard and I kept a friends kids the other night, ALL NIGHT! I actually couldn’t believe that their mom let us keep them over night, but I guess as a sleep deprived parent she warmed up to the idea of a full night of uninterrupted sleep:) I have baby sat all my life, but that is the first time I’d ever had 2 kids under the age of 3 sleep over at my house! Usually they were older, and I slept over at the child’s house to watch the kids that night or the next day, depending on the situation… It was so wonderful having them here! My house was loud and I loved every minute of it! Trey LOVED going up and down the stairs, and Ella LOVED playing with our two beagles!! Ella did wake up a little bit in the night, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle;) The thing was, when they left, I just sat here talking to God. I kept telling Him over and over that that is what I wanted my house to sound like all the time!! I’d even be ok with a kid waking up in the middle of the night screaming!!! I just feel like my house is missing those other little people running around. Please don’t misread, this is not a depressed blog…I had such a wonderful time having those babies here, this all just confirms that having kids is what I want! Which is funny, I think these kids parents thought that they were going to scare us away from trying to have a baby! LOL!!!

good friends. and good food:)

I had breakfast with a new friend today… It’s nice to talk to someone who understands how I feel! She is still in the midst of the process, holding onto the hope that one day she’ll have her own child. She’s like me in that we both know we’ll be mothers, we just don’t know if we’ll carry the baby or someone else. It’s nice to hear that it is ok to grieve, and the feelings that I’m feeling and the reactions I’ve had to the news I’ve received is normal, and completely OK!! I am, however, tired of waiting. I did realize that today… I’m being a tad impatient, but I just want to know what’s going on… I know that waiting is not anything I’m very good at, but I waited for Richard and I survived….I waited for this house that we live in, and I survived….waiting is just never very fun.

November 10, part two

This is the second part of November 10.

We still haven’t solved the puzzle that is me….for some reason my body is not responding to Clomid, the follicles on the ultrasound are too small…we are just looking forward to the next cycle. She is putting me on another round of Clomid and estrogen to see if we can get my follicles to the size they are supposed to be, then we’ll proceed…

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